All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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