Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
