More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
