At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
