does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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