Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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