Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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