idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just want to make out with him forever
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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