Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
