i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
