I hate all girls vehemently.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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