You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
