my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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