Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
