I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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