she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
