she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
