i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
