Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We need to rekindle our bromance
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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