maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
