The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
