Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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