I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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