worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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