come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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