Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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