i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
