Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
