bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
