I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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