She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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