For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
