She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
