FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
