I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
