mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
