I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
