why didn't you poke me back
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
