turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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