Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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