I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
