Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize