i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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