I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have aggressive nipples.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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