Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Did I show you my penis last night?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
