my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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