I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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