it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
