my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
