I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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