I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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