the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
