my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
