i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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