The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
