I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
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His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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